Yet Another Christmas
by 17th-Doctor
Summary: Allen feels tired, lonely, and depressed. Kanda is more reserved than ever and seems to ignore him. Will everything change on Christmas Eve? This story could have happened after the 23th volume.


**Disclaimer: All the characters are owned by Katsura Hoshino.**

Now when he worked as a clown Christmas became quite tiring. So many children needed his attention! He was performing all kinds of tricks smiling at everyone, trying to make every single person in the crowd laugh whole-heartedly. On the one hand, bringing joy to people made him really happy, but on the other hand, it heightened his own feelings, making the emptiness inside his chest much more intense. Now this sensation seemed to haunt him. Wherever he was, whatever he did, he felt hollow inside. A lot had happened in his life, and all the things befalling him were tragic and devastating. There was no doubt he had a reason to feel the way he did, but wasn't he the one intending to always keep walking and never stop moving at any price? What happened to his unflagging optimism? He didn't lose his faith, at least not yet, but he started to feel weak and to doubt his ability to escape the fate. His head was exploding with dark forebodings, and the fact that he could barely resist the Fourteenth inside his body didn't make things any better. Anyway, no matter how hard it was to keep on this endless struggling, giving up wasn't an option. Not while he was still able to breathe.

"Thank you so much!" a little girl exclaimed happily smiling at Allen after the performance was finished.

"You're always welcome!" he replied with an even happier smile on his face. He meant it. Sweet moments like this one were what kept him carrying on with his life.

"Bye-bye! I hope Santa will give you loads of presents!" she waved her arm at him.

He smiled once more waving back. The warmth he'd experienced for a moment quickly dissipated. Sorrow caught up with him once again. He signed and after changing clothes and removing makeup decided to wander in the streets to clear his mind.

* * *

><p>All the alleys were overcrowded, there were people everywhere. Everyone was excited about presents and beautiful Christmas decorations. All this holiday cheer made him feel even more depressed and somewhat lonely. No-one was there for him anymore, and this solitude was getting more difficult than he expected.<p>

In fact it was more of an inner, mental loneliness for he didn't live alone. He shared his small apartment with Johnny Gill – a former scientist from the Black Order, who had gone away to see his friends during the holidays though, and a grumpy black-haired fellow exorcist Kanda Yuu who had always been a trouble. In the beginning he was deeply touched by Kanda's intention to stay on his side in the desperate situation he was in, but as time was passing nothing really seemed to change in their relationship. Kanda never showed the slightest sign of friendliness. Not that Walker expected the black-haired swordsman to suddenly become sociable and outgoing, but at least he could try. Yuu was more gloomy and reserved than ever instead. He was silent all the time, and the only thing being for him of any interest was his mugen. He was either training or meditating. It annoyed Allen, and most of all it made him worried about the state his roommate was in, and this anxiety made him even more irritated, because he couldn't do anything about it. He was sure that something was wrong. After Kanda came back from Martel he changed so much, he became so mature and so strong that it was hard to assume that he would behave like a grumpy diffident teenager once again. The change in him was so promising… He even did his best to actually find Allen of his own accord… Walker wasn't sure he had a clue what was going on. Sometimes he was afraid that all that happened to Alma started to tell on Kanda way too much, but he also allowed that it could be his fault if he involuntary mistreated the black-haired exorcist, or made him depressed by not being able to hide away his own low spirits. Both options could be true. It was hard to decide whether his anxiety or his anger prevailed over other emotions. Allen felt a strange blend of love and hate; he was like an offended child who didn't know if he should break his friend's toy, or give him a hug to be reconciled. Neither damaging mugen nor embracing Kanda was the right way of solving the problem.

As he passed by a bar, he suddenly decided he would get drunk today. The white-haired exorcist usually hated drinking for it reminded him of a hard time his master Marian Cross used to give him, but today he wanted to forget who he was, to get rid of all the memories of his bitter past even if just for one night. Every day he was afraid to lose control, to let Neah take his place. He couldn't trust himself anymore, he was losing self-confidence, he was daily tormented by his constantly aching wound, and yet he worked hard to stay himself, and never ended this extremely exhausting struggle. Tonight everything will be different. It's high time he let it go. It would be his well-deserved Christmas present.

* * *

><p>Kanda was trying to meditate. He had been meditating more than he usually did lately. His life had become more stressful and complicated than ever, and he had not only to deal with it himself, but also to be ready to protect Allen. In order to succeed in achieving these goals, he needed to constantly train himself which was very exhausting. Regular meditations were supposed to help him with stress control, but since he found Walker, they hadn't seemed to produce any effect at all.<p>

Yuu was trying hard to concentrate, but the fact that Allen was late distracted him greatly. With so many people being after him he could be in grave danger.

"If bean sprout isn't back in 30 minutes, I'll go search for him," he decided.

The white-haired exorcist came home 10 minutes later. To his disappointment, drinking wasn't as fun as he expected: it made him even more depressed than he was before. He also failed to forget unpleasant memories. On the contrary, his emotions intensified, and the images of the past he saw whenever he closed his eyes became much more lifelike and vivid. It made him more nervous and anxious than ever. He felt like he needed to do something about his life, and he needed to do it now.

At the sound of the door opening, the black-haired exorcist breathed with relief, but remained silent. He decided to ignore the latecomer: it would serve him right.

"I'm home. You couldn't care less, right?"

Kanda noticed that his roommate's voice sounded a bit weird, but he acted as nothing strange was going on just for the sake of principle.

Allen gave him a significant look which went unregarded, although Yuu could feel Walker's eyes on him perfectly well. Then the white-haired exorcist shrugged his shoulders and came closer. Maybe a little too close. It took all Kanda's self-control to keep faking a meditation instead of turning to face him.

"So BaKanda, are you excited about Christmas?" Allen asked. For there was no reply, he sat on the floor behind his roommate putting his hands on Yuu's shoulders and burying his face in his neck. Kanda gave a start which betrayed his surprise.

"Didn't see that coming, huh?" Walker smirked and breathed in the scent of his skin and hair.

Kanda became visibly tense and obviously didn't know how to react to Allen's unusual behavior. The embarrassment made him even more strained and annoyed.

"Tch," was his only answer.

"Do you remember why you came here? Do you remember why you wanted to find me?"

The swordsman remained silent.

"You felt like I was special, didn't you?" Walker asked in a really sweet and somewhat voluptuous voice that sent shivers down the black-haired exorcist's spine.

Allen wasn't acting like himself at all, and the thought that it may be the Fourteenth crossed Yuu's mind. He turned to take a look and him, and Walker who did not fail to take advantage of it kissed him on the cheek. Even though Kanda smelled alcohol on his breath, which explained everything, he got really uncomfortable, and his cheeks turned slightly pink.

"You're blushing!" the white-haired exorcist exclaimed with a blend of joy and amusement which didn't do any good to his roommate.

"So?" he asked trying not to lose his composure.

"I like it." Allen replied gently stroking his hair.

"Why?" Yuu demanded, surprised, while warm fingers were softly touching his skin.

"It gives me hope that you're able to feel something."

"Tch."

Walker's hands slipped down on the black-haired exorcist's chest, and he could feel his heartbeat racing. It made him happy to see that Kanda actually cared.

However, Yuu didn't share his roommate's enthusiasm for the situation he was in. He didn't stir, but he definitely was about to lose his patience, so he said, "Drunk bean sprout, are you trying to make me take advantage of the state you're in?"

"What state?" Allen demanded while putting his head on Kanda's shoulder and kissing him on the cheek once more, his hands now touching his stomach. Embarrassing him was truly enjoyable.

"For shit's sake, stop kissing me!" the black-haired exorcist exclaimed impatiently. "And touching me!" he added taking Walker's wrists to prevent him from proceeding with his fondling.

"Why? Is it embarrassing you?" he asked in the most innocent voice.

Without saying anything, Yuu swung round to face him and pulled him closer so that Allen found himself sitting on the swordsman's knees. Now it was Walker's turn to blush. Kanda carefully wrapped his arms around him trying not to disturb his wound, and pressed his mouth against Allen's to kiss him. Walker responded immediately taking Yuu's face in his arms, his thumbs caressing the skin. Kanda leaned forward to take his lips more firmly using his tongue while his fingers were touching his neck, tangling in the hair. As Allen's arms left his face to wrap around his waist and then run down to his lower back, Yuu also squeezed him tighter. The kiss felt so incredibly passionate and intense that it became clear that they both had been waiting for this moment for a long time.

After kissing his lips, Kanda started to kiss the white-haired exorcist's neck and shoulders. His pulse was chaotic and he was gasping for air. Allen could feel his hot breath on his skin, and it made him so excited that he could hardly control himself. He hugged his partner as tightly as he could and then his hands slid under Yuu's shirt fondling his body.

"I think we need to stop," Kanda whispered in his ear.

"No."

"But you're wounded."

It felt so good to know that Yuu cared about his health that Walker couldn't suppress a smile.

"I'm fine."

"You're not," Kanda kissed him softly on the lips and moved away.

"But…"

"I know," Yuu didn't let him finish his sentence.

"BaKanda, I hate you!" Allen seemed offended, and, moreover, his body felt really uncomfortable after what had happened between them.

"You didn't care about me at all, and now you're all nice and loving?" he asked sarcastically.

"I've always cared about you, stupid bean sprout!"

"But you barely talk to me!"

"So?"

"It means you don't like me!"

"It means I don't like talking."

This assertion sounded convincing, and Walker calmed down a little.

"You know, when you returned to me, you looked stronger and happier than before. I hoped it would last," he confessed.

"Me too," Yuu helped him up, and then seated him on the bed. "You're drunk and tired, you need to sleep."

"Lay next to me. It's Christmas, remember?" the white-haired exorcist took him by the hand and pulled him closer.

Kanda sighed and accepted his request. Allen hugged him and Kanda just let out his usual "tch" showing no further intention to protest.

* * *

><p>At midnight all the bells in town started ringing.<p>

"Merry Christmas, BaKanda!"

"Same to you, bean sprout." When the ringing stopped, he added, "You know… We will continue what…" he slightly faltered of embarrassment, "what we were doing tonight once you're sober."

"Good," the white-haired exorcist hugged him tighter and fell asleep.

Kanda was lying next to him unable to steep in slumber and wondering if Walker would remember anything at all in the morning.

* * *

><p>The next day Yuu woke up late. When he opened his eyes, he saw Allen sitting next to him. Walker gave him a significant look and said, "So, BaKanda… Now I'm sober."<p> 


End file.
